We are living in extraordinary times. Hardly any of us have ever faced the likes of this before. We all react to the stress and anxiety in different ways as we make huge adjustments to our daily life.
I want to reassure women, we’ve got your back. Each person in maternity services is working hard to try and keep mothers and babies safe. We need to care for women with all the normal medical conditions, complications, anxieties and social situations. Then we must multiply that by two to think of how we would manage all the same problems if the woman had Covid19. Then we must add in what if she is in isolation, what if her partner or her child has it? Then we must add to the equation: staff being ill, in isolation or unable to work due to pregnancy or a medical condition.
We have new procedures for almost everything; protective equipment is not a trivial affair, we must learn how to don and doff correctly to protect ourselves and the women we care for. We need distinct levels of protection for different circumstances. We have turned our rota on its head; some of us have been deployed to other wards and areas. We now have the rota, the backup rota and the back up back up rota, all to be certain we will have the people you need to care for you. We have national and local guidance changing almost daily. We are fortunate that the RCOG & RCM are updating guidance frequently – this is helpful for us & the women we serve. https://www.rcog.org.uk/en/guidelines-research-services/guidelines/coronavirus-pregnancy/covid-19-virus-infection-and-pregnancy/
So when we have to make difficult choices that we never imagined would be needed, please be tolerant. We have to plan for every situation meticulously, not only within our own service but within the health economy as a whole and we have to take decisions at an accelerated rate, the likes of which I have never experienced. We bear in mind not only the impact on individual women and the maternity population but also the surrounding community.
When a woman comes into hospital, she will be greeted with care and compassion and kindness. We know this is a challenging time to birth a baby and become a parent. We may be wearing masks and gloves, but we are there behind them with hearts and minds to do the very best we can. We are fighting to protect the things we know are important. We are encouraging you to come for your scans and appointments that are essential and adapting to contact you by phone when less important to see you in person.
We are one of the few parts of the organisation maintaining a degree of normal outpatient care. Pregnancy and birth can’t be put on hold. Many of us have set up specific Covid pregnancy helplines to answer your questions and are working hard with local Maternity Voices Partnerships to give women the information they need.
We know for some, life at home is increasingly difficult. School, childcare, work has all been thrown in the air let alone worries about other family members, food supplies and money. As NHS Maternity workers, we are giving all that we can give. When we talked at work about the NHS #ClapForCarers, most of us missed it. We were too tired, working or busy feeding our families. Yesterday in my clinic, a few women ‘gave back’. Just a simple ‘how are you?’, or ’thank you for being here’ is enough. We don’t need you to clap us, we just need you with us, together to get through this.
We are very honoured to begin #ExpOfCare week with a bang, publishing this insightful blog by Dr Sarah Winfield. We have connected with Sarah through the excellent ongoing #MatExp work at Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust, following the exciting Whose Shoes? workshop last summer. Part of the work in Leeds involves a different #MatExp challenge each month… and January 2017 was ‘lithotomy challenge’ month!
Sarah wrote this a while ago but we held it back to publish here as #ExpOfCare is such an important initiative and one which is central to #MatExp. We are very grateful to Sarah not only for taking the time to do the challenge, but more importantly to reflect so openly on the experience and share with us here…
The #LithotomyChallenge is a term coined by one of my Obstetric colleagues in Kingston, Dr Flo Wilcock, who wanted to put herself in the position of a patient in lithotomy for an hour and to describe the experience. As part of #MatExp and to raise awareness of it’s existence and philosophy, I wanted to do the same. So I did on #NHSDoAthonDay at the start of January 2017. Here is how I got started.
I used to be sceptical about twitter until my tech-loving husband persuaded me to dust the cobwebs off my twitter account @winners352 (set up tentatively a while ago). David is a consultant in Education and assured me that performing CPR on my twitter account would not only be beneficial for my CPD, but would put me in touch with like-minded people, allow me to tweet the odd journal article, and would help me to raise the profile of the unit that I work in. I wasn’t ‘sold’ but I am an optimist and thought that I should give it a go.
So I changed my profile picture, tried to compose a sassy yet professional catch line and I started to browse for people and things that may interest me. Initially I retweeted posts that would not cause any controversy for my digital footprint or reputation as a member of the medical community, but then I worked out that if people put their opinions out there for all to see, then this provokes engagement and discussion. This conversation would then draw others in. Then information begins to flow, more people ‘follow’ and before you know it, there are people from all over the world tapping in to see what this is all about. Amazing. But also slightly scary.
Of course, I appreciate that there are downsides to having a twitter presence, but this is where the world is going now. I recall an article written for the Health Service Journal by Roy Lilley about STPs (Sustainability Transformation Plans). In this article, to paraphrase, he said that STPs are happening and are not going away, so you can be in the cast or the audience. It’s your choice. I think that the same applies to social media and twitter. So, I made the decision to learn more and make it work for me. This was at the beginning of October 2016.
Through twitter I made contact with Gill Phillips (@WhoseShoes) and Flo Wilcock (@FWmaternitykhft) who are the founders of #MatExp, and it turned out that I had actually met one of this duo before!
As well as being a Consultant Obstetrician with an interest in maternal medicine, I am also the Clinical Lead for maternity services for the Yorkshire and the Humber Clinical Network. This role took me to an event at the Kia Oval in London in July 2016 to discuss implementation of ‘Better Births’ (the National Maternity Review) in each network patch. There were a series of workshops and in one I joined in with a discussion about the “Whose Shoes” event that had been held in Leeds earlier in the year. I did not realise it at the time (probably because I was not on twitter at that point!) but Gill Phillips was one of the facilitators of that group. Professor Cathy Warwick and Mr David Richmond were the other facilitators.
While I had not been able to attend the Leeds Whose Shoes event itself, our LTHT strategy midwife, Sarah Bennett, was very much involved. At the event a cartoonist, Tom Bailey, recorded patients’ views and the conversations taking place. These were very thought provoking and I have to admit that one image in particular made me stop and think. It was of a doctor standing at the top of a hill pointing down to a midwife at the bottom of the hill. It was not particularly complimentary to us as doctors.
None of us set out to make patients and midwives feel like this but with the language we use, the information we need to get across and our communication skills in general, there was clearly an issue. This made me feel uncomfortable (and perhaps a tad indignant, if I am being honest) and I know that a few of my colleagues felt the same as me.
What happened though was that these images stimulated discussion and debate amongst the maternity staff members. While there might have been levels of disagreement about the images and what they portrayed us to be as medical and midwifery professionals, they were ‘real’ views of and we had to reflect here. Importantly these conversations were a starting point to encourage us to look at how we work on a day-today basis, the language we use with patients and each other, how we conduct ward rounds on the delivery suite and the whole experience for any woman and her family using our maternity service.
In other words, we had a platform from which to share our opinions about the maternity experience of patients in Leeds across both sides of the city.
Leeds is a busy tertiary unit. We have around over 10,000 deliveries a year between Leeds General Infirmary (LGI) and St James’s Hospital (SJUH) and we don’t often get to do sit down with our colleagues, whose opinions we genuinely value, and engage in a dialogue about patient experience. But here we were, and I felt like this was a good start.
I spoke about this experience in positive terms at the Kia event and Gill then made contact with me through twitter a few months later. A fortuitous connection for me and, I hope, for her too. I also ‘met’ Flo through Gill on twitter, and the rest has followed.
So who are Gill and Flo and what is #MatExp?
Gill, the creator of the award-winning Whose Shoes?® concept and tools, has a genuine passion and unsurpassed energy for “looking at issues from different perspectives and getting people to talk together as equals and come up with imaginative solutions”. She is also a mum of three ‘now grown up’ children.
Her website http://nutshellcomms.co.uk/gill-phillips-and-the-origins-of-whose-shoes/ is an inspirational working ode to her warm, inclusive and collaborative style. Gill’s passion for helping others is obvious to see and she takes people with her. This is one of the many reasons why she has been quoted by the Health Service Journal as one of the 50 most influential women of the year.
Florence (Flo) Wilcock is a Consultant Obstetrician at Kingston (and mum of two) and, inspired by Gill’s WhoseShoes concept, was keen to use this to improve maternity services and more. Flo is similarly an inspirational force and counts the RCOG and its former president David Richmond as her supporters, amongst many others. She joined forces with Gill and the #MatExp campaign was born.
The #MatExp website is a vibrant, colourful, positive and proactive resource and I would advise anyone working with women and their families. The best explanation of #MatExp is the one from their website, so in their own words:
“#MatExp is a powerful grassroots campaign using the Whose Shoes?® approach to identify and share best practice across the nation’s maternity services.
Then ensued a flurry of tweets between me, Gill, Flo and other #MatExp supporters and I was overwhelmed by the helpful, collaborative and go-getting approach. They are incredibly supportive to anyone on twitter who shows an interest in improving patient and family experience in maternity services.
As my knowledge grew about #MatExp and I had further twitter conversations with Gill, Flo and others, I read a piece by Flo that she wrote about her taking part in a #Lithotomychallenge. The piece is here and Flo explains:
“For NHS change day I wanted something that made a statement that said “#MatExp has arrived, take notice, we are improving maternity experience, get involved!” I couldn’t quite think of the right action until I saw a twitter exchange with Damian Roland back in December and watched a video where he described his spinal board challenge from NHS Change day, 2014. I had a light bulb moment thinking what would be the maternity equivalent? Lithotomy!”
Taking Flo’s lead and transporting #MatExp to Leeds, I thought that a #LithotomyChallenge would be easy for me to set up and would put me in a patient’s shoes (goodness knows the amount of times in my career that I have put a patient in the lithotomy position for an instrumental delivery, a FBS, a perineal repair..) for a short while. I have two daughters, both born by caesarean section, so I had no experience of this, let alone with contractions, CTG leads, an epidural, a syntocinon drip etc.
I chose Wednesday 11 January 2017 as the morning I would do it. This was #NHSDoAthonDay and it seemed appropriate.
In the run up to the day, Sarah and I told people what I was going to do through the strategy newsletter, facebook, twitter and word of mouth. People asked why and asked what #MatExp was. There was also an interesting spectrum of opinion about my desire to do the #Lithotomy Challenge, ranging from people thinking that I was ‘patronising’ my patients and colleagues to others congratulating me for taking the initiative to do something different.
On the day of the challenge I put my hospital gown on, strapped the CTG leads to my abdomen and Sarah fixed an IV line to hand with tape and helped me up onto the delivery bed in Room 10 on LGI delivery suite. Then Sarah left to go across the city to St.James’ hospital where the midwives there were waiting for her to set them up with the #Lithotomychallenge too. I was by myself in the room. In lithotomy position.
I felt undignified and vulnerable. I also hoped that nobody would walk through the door, but they did. In groups, in pairs, alone. Mostly midwives. Each time I cringed as the door opened and I realised that the level of the bed meant that my bottom end was at their eye level. I was in leggings and a sheet. I can’t imagine the indignity and embarrassment for a woman of being ‘al fresco’ when someone comes into the room in that situation.
Then I noticed something that I hadn’t before; there was no ‘privacy curtain’ over the door. I now realise that this curtain is a feature of the delivery rooms at St.James’ hospital across the city and in every other maternity unit I can recall having worked in before. Such a simple thing would make a huge difference.
Then the surroundings really began to jump out at me. This room had magnolia walls, a light socket that was hanging off (previously an uplighter), holes and scuffs in the walls and nothing that I would describe as comforting, pleasant or homely. When you sit in a room for over an hour, these details are very obvious. I have been in this room many times during ward rounds, to deliver babies etc. and I had never noticed what an uninspiring and depressing environment it is.
Would I have enjoyed my birth experience in this room? Definitely not. Does it convey an impression of the warmth, skills, knowledge, team spirit and professionalism of the delivery suite staff that I know exists? No it does not. But a woman and her family have this room as the starting point on their personal, special and much anticipated journey to give birth to their precious baby so how is it going to set them up for a positive birth experience? It don’t think it will.
Then something unexpected happened. I felt really cross with this room, if it’s possible to be annoyed with a ‘space’. I know how hard the team work to look after women and their families, so why should the woman and us as the team, with our training, skills, compassion, knowledge and tertiary centre reputation be let down by awful facilities? All women should have a pleasant environment to have their baby. It’s very simple. Some paint, some wall décor, good lighting, promptly repaired faults. The list is not long and is easily addressed. This was the first unexpected result for me of my #Lithotomychallenge and I have to say that it really touched a nerve.
The other unexpected result for me what that when people came in to see me they shared their own birth experiences (good and bad) as I sat there on the bed
with my legs ‘akimbo’. I found this moving because these are people who I have worked with for the last few years, who I chat with when I’m on-call and who I think I know quite well. I heard stories of a fantastic waterbirth, an awful induction, someone struggling to get pregnant plus more. You could say that the ‘barriers’ were down, but I would like to think that me doing this challenge provided an opportunity for people to start conversations with me and each other about their experiences as patients in the maternity service.
My final recollection added some humour to my experience. While I was talking to a group of student midwives (they appeared to be more embarrassed than me), one of our delivery suite domestic staff, who I know quite well, knocked on the door, walked in politely and without ceremony, gave me a glass of water and asked me for the keys to my office so that she could give it a clean while I was tied up! There was no pulling the wool over her eyes. I gave her the key and my thanks.
So, what did I get out of doing the #Lithotomy challenge? There are two things that stand out for me. The first is that I allowed myself to ‘feel’ from a patient’s perspective. I was prepared to give a bit of myself away and open up to the possibility that we may not communicate in a way that enhances a patient experience or consider the importance of the environment that we create to do this. I think that to change culture, the language we use and the way we view the patient experience we need to look closely at our individual practice and challenge our own behaviours and judgements. This is hard and not everyone will want to do this but I have found that doing the #LithotomyChallenge has led me to review my own beliefs and practices as an NHS worker for almost 20 years and this has been like taking a deep breath of fresh air.
As a doctor and a consultant I am familiar with pushing my boundaries professionally and clinically, but can I use any ‘influence’ that I have in a different way? Of course I can be an ‘opinion’, counsel patients, make management plans, perform difficult c-sections, chair regional meetings etc. but working towards improving patient experience may be regarded by some as a ‘fluffy’ goal. Very ‘touchy feely’ and not really hard-hitting or go-getting enough to warrant using precious consultant time in an already busy day where we are here to deliver a service and fulfill the objectives of our job plan/appraisal personal development portfolio. But sometimes it’s not until you experience the ‘other side’ and and allow yourself to ‘feel’, that you realise what needs to change. I now know that I would like to be more proactive in considering the whole patient experience when I am involved in any aspect of a consultation or a procedure.
The décor was the second thing. I have seen many articles and personal commentaries about the effect of surroundings on birth experience, and we already know that the environment during labour and delivery can have a profound effect on how patients ‘experience’ their care. After spending time in a room that has seen better days, I can believe it. Never underestimate the importance of surroundings and this challenge has highlighted that for me. I hope that this piece will result in privacy curtains being put up in each delivery room at LGI. This would make such a difference. But improving the delivery rooms in this unit is going to require funds. I regularly see healthcare workers and patients fundraising for their units and doing the #Lithotomychallenge to spurred me on to do this.
There is one final thing that the challenge has done. By writing this piece I have a voice. I have not asked permission and have not sought the ‘approval’ of anyone. I have just done it and have been supported by most of my colleagues, including Sarah B. I was nervous about doing the #LithotomyChallenge and had a sense of trepidation about what others would think, but I have enjoyed what the experience has brought and have been inspired by Flo and Gill, who have given me a masterclass in wholeheartedly and warmly welcoming others thoughts and diverse opinions. In their eyes no opinion is ‘wrong’ or ‘daft’. If disagreement arises then it is not to be feared or ridiculed. It can be used as the basis of a conversation to challenge the status quo and then move forwards.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek” (Barack Obama).
Dr Sarah Winfield Consultant in Obstetrics with Special Interest in Maternal Medicine. Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust Yorkshire and the Humber Clinical Network Clinical Lead for Maternity Services NHS England Women’s Specialised Services Clinical Reference Group representative for the North of England
Some really exciting developments with #MatExp Whose Shoes? at the moment.
Bromley MSLC produced a ‘one year on’ report following up on their Whose Shoes? workshop at King’s College hospital using “I said, I did” as a framework to list all the fantastic outcomes that had come from pledges made on the day.
Language continues to be a big issue for women and families, but some great initiatives are now happening. Building on the Whose Shoes? workshops, Leeds and Colchester in particular are working on specific language challenges. I came up with a ‘Negativity Bingo’ and had great fun with my team at the NHS Fab Change Day #DoAthOn event launching #DumptheDaftWords.
I have been getting some exciting invitations to speak about building social movements and of course gave #MatExp a big shout out in my talk at the launch of #AHPsIntoAction, they have invited me back for a longer keynote session at their annual conference in June.
Last Friday, 3 Feb 2017, we were invited to present a #MatExp Whose Shoes? session to get some good discussions going as part of a packed event launching #PanStaffsMTP in Stafford. We concentrated specifically on continuity and perinatal mental health. This is the county-wide transformation programme to improve maternity experience in Staffordshire to implement the national ‘Better Births’ vision. This informal film gives you a flavour.
We are proud of the crowdsourced ‘Nobody’s Patient’ project and thank everyone for your fantastic contributions. We now have over 120 new Whose Shoes? scenarios and poems and the new resources will be made available shortly to all the hospitals who were existing customers. Florence Wilcock, Sam Frewin and I are finalising the supporting toolkit and collating the case studies, ahead of our ‘wrap up’ event in March. We are trying to pull together lots of ideas for positive change, with or without a workshop. I hope you are enjoying the regular Steller stories, including Florence’s monthly reports.
Wonderful to see everyone doing such amazing work, speaking all over the place, building networks, spreading the word and generally making great things happen.
#Flamingjune is well under way and there has been so many wonderful conversations taking place on the Matexp facebook group. As part of this months campaign, ACTIONS to improve services have very much been at the forefront with everyone sharing ideas to make sure support given to families is the best it can be.
With this in mind one of the subjects discussed was Emotional Wellbeing. Many shared heartfelt stories, and personal experiences as well as ideas that would have made a difference them and their families.
How much do you feel your pregnancy, birth and postnatal care affected your emotional wellbeing?
How do you think we can help prepare women and their partners for the impact that birth and caring for a new baby has on emotional wellbeing ?
What supported or helped you to protect your emotional wellbeing?
What can be done to help health care professionals be able to support families better?
Many commented on how we often under estimate the impact having a new baby has on a family. It was said that ‘adapting from working life to being at home was overwhelming’, ‘that often dads are working long hours and need support too’ and having somewhere to go to talk to others and relax was vital. Emotional support was mentioned as being a “basic need” for families.
One comment noted that ‘real life’ parenting needs to be discussed at antenatal contacts. “We are bombarded with the prefect images of parenthood, I don’t think people are prepared for the realities of parenthood – being totally exhausted but this little person still needs feeding and there is no milk in the fridge so you cant even have a coffee to wake up you”.
Another commented’ ” professionals need to understand the stresses which parents face not just with the birth, but financial, logistical etc”. What suggestions were made that would help? “By looking through the eyes of the patient, and trying to see things from their point of view”. Yes walking in another’s shoes so to speak showing empathy, and understanding helps provide support that protects the emotional wellbeing of families.
Many voiced feeling left alone, isolated and ‘fending for themselves’ after the birth of their babies and how this impacted their emotional wellbeing. Many felt afraid to voice they were struggling with motherhood and kept it to themselves worrying they be dismissed or viewed as ‘failing’.
Others voiced how important good support from health visitors, peer support and support groups was to their emotional wellbeing and not just for mom but dads too. In fact is was mentioned how important it is to ask dads how they are doing too!
Again and again support was mentioned for birth trauma and loss of a baby. Things such as professional counselling to be available as standard and peer support on wards and units. As well as health professionals knowing where to signpost families for support including local charities and national organisations.
One comment read “the single biggest thing would have been to treat us respectfully”. Very sobering.
So what were some of the actions that came out of the discussion to help with emotional wellbeing?
Maternity units to have specially trained staff to care for those that have suffered birth trauma, loss or mental health issues.
To remember that care involves emotional support not just physical.
Peer support for families on wards and in NICU.
Specialist counselling services available as part of post-natal after care and on NICU unit so families do not have to leave their babies.
Antenatal support on ‘real life’ caring for a baby, as well as how to look after their emotional wellbeing.
After birth de-briefs for sharing of experiences both good and bad to help improve care given.
Remember that dads need support too.
Health professionals to be aware of support available to families so they can signpost.
For all staff supporting families to show kindness, compassion and empathy and provide care that is patient-centred meeting individual needs.
Most of all treat families with respect. “letting mums and dads know that being good is good enough – they don’t need to be perfect”.
Emotional wellbeing is important for families, by sharing experiences, listening and working together we can help improve the maternity experience for all.
I’ve had 4 c-sections (2 emergency, 1 elective and 1 planned due to medical reasons) and time and again I find myself making excuses, or defending myself when the topic of birth comes up. I’ve also spoken to many women who feel they failed, or did not give birth because they had a c-section. I’ve come to the point now where I want to celebrate the way that my babies came into the world, and show other women that they did NOT take the easy way out. A c-section is not the easy option and there is no need to feel ashamed either.
If you’ve had a c-section, I hope you know that you are amazing.
I’ve had four c-sections. And until now, I have always been- if not ashamed- a little defensive over them.
But baby was in distress, so the section saved my life.
My son WOULD have died without a section.
It was the easiest decision for me after two traumatic failed labours and emergency sections.
The doctors said it was the safest and only way my baby could be delivered alive.
I’ve always been a little anxious when meeting new mums and the conversation turns to the birth. I’ve always assumed that there was something wrong with my body. Something wrong with me. I failed. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do.
But I’m tired of defending myself. I’m tired of feeling like I never really gave birth. So what if my baby came out on the operating table? I might not have given birth in the conventional way, but I gave life just the same. Who cares how the babies arrived?
Ok, so I care. I do. I really care. I care about the fact that my very first experience of childbirth was terrifying. I was ignored and laughed at. I was dismissed. I was given drugs and injections and examinations that did not help me. My baby was taken from my body not just once, but for a second time too. I was left in pain. I was taken to the brink of death and my baby almost died. I was sent to sleep while surgical hands reached inside to find my blue baby and bring him out into the world. I was not there. And I care about that. I care so much.
And because I care, I want to make it clear that those first two birth experiences make me amazing. I laboured for hours each time. Alone. Without the support of a midwife to hold my hand. Without the knowledge that I was a strong, capable woman. Without power. I laboured despite myself, for hours, with no pain relief. And just when I thought I could take no more, I was taken for major surgery. The mask over my face and the knife to skin just moments later.
And if you know what it is like to labour so intensely, with the sole purpose of bringing your baby into the world, only to realise that you will need to see that happen in an operating theatre… then you will know that I am amazing.
And if you know what it is like to labour so intensely a second time, with the desperate need to bring your baby into the world otherwise he might die, only for the world to go black and to wake up with a baby by your side… then you will know that I am amazing.
And if you know what it’s like to move your battered body a few inches across the bed, to gingerly ‘swing’ your legs around so that your feet brush the floor, to step lightly onto the ground for the first time since ‘it’ happened… then you will know that I am amazing.
To stand in the hospital shower weeping in pain each time the water jets strike the cannula in your battered hand; cursing that cannula because you didn’t want to be there, in that shower, in pain, not again. To wince in pain with each step you take. To choose to spend the night sitting up in a chair rather than to lie down in a bed because it is slightly less painful to do so. To need a cushion so that you can laugh. To still hold on to the belief that your body might make it next time.
If you know what that is like, you will know that I am amazing.
This post was written during my 4th pregnancy, my journey towards a VBA3C. Throughout this pregnancy I was fit and healthy yet classed as high risk due to having had three previous c-sections.
Don’t call me high risk.
Don’t take heed of the warnings that spew out into the papers at an alarming rate. A VBAC is not a disease, or a dirty word. A woman who has had a c section is not ‘risky business’. I am a woman who wants to give birth to her baby. To feel her baby. To be awake to see her baby take the first breath, open their eyes onto this world and feel their skin against mine. I am a woman who wants to be one of the first people to hold her baby. I am a woman who wants to sit up and hold her baby. To feed her baby with arms that feel the life within. I am a woman who wants to tell the world her baby’s name; not discover it for herself when she wakes.
Don’t call me high risk. Don’t greet my intentions with raised eyebrows and furrowed smiles. Don’t assume that my intentions will not be ‘allowed’. Don’t deny me the chance to be normal for once.
This weekend I came across this article by Milli Hill (@millihill) and I found myself nodding along to almost every word.
When my body screamed out to me that my son was on his way, the ‘High Risk’ label echoed the cry and we called the hospital straight away, as we’d been told. We went straight in, as we were told. We never questioned a thing and we never assumed that we were anything but high risk. The fact that I was labelled as High Risk left me in no doubt- what I was doing was scary. I wanted no part of it. But in actual fact, lots of women have a VBAC, and the fact that we didn’t should not be held against me.
This time, I am a woman striving for a VBA3C. And supposedly higher risk than ever before. And yet I feel more positive this time than I ever have. Whether it is age, experience, or having come to a point of peace with what has gone before, I do not know. But I do not feel scared. I do not feel High Risk. I feel like a woman who passes a mirror and catches sight of her swollen body and smiles, stops to capture the moment; when once I would have collapsed inside.
I feel like a woman with a life growing inside. I feel special. I feel on the edge of something wonderful. I feel strong. Strong enough to question decisions that are made for me. Strong enough to face the fear that I know will come as the weeks pass by. Strong enough to cast aside my label and just be a woman giving birth. For once.
That is my positive pregnancy. It’s taken four attempts to get here and I’m going to hold on to it.