January 2016 – Maternity Experience

Month: January 2016

Women’s Voices in #MatExp – Your Doula

28 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / #MatExp Actions, Continuity of Care, MatExp and Me / 3 Comments

I was asked to do a talk to student midwives at Salford University this month on the topic of “Women’s Voices” in maternity care. As part of my presentation I included the voices of the midwives who work in maternity care, and a reminder that there are many other women for whom maternity care is their professional, as well as perhaps their personal, experience. “Women’s Voices” in maternity care should cover the midwives, obstetricians, health visitors, doulas who care for us, as well as the women giving birth.

So I decided to start a series of blog posts on “Women’s Voices in #MatExp” from the point of view of those working in maternity, and this is the second of those. This is Maddie McMahon’s experience of being a doula. Thank you so much to Maddie for agreeing to write for us.

You can read the first blog in the series here. And yes, I will be doing a “Men’s Voices in #MatExp” series too. Because this campaign is about all voices.

Helen.x

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Maddie McMahon is a doula, doula mentor, doula course leader and breastfeeding counsellor in Cambridge. She is also a member of the board of Doula UK. She supports women using the same hospital she, herself, gave birth in and has been a staunch supporter of that hospital ever since, sitting on the MSLC since 2004.

She is author of ‘Why Doulas Matter’, published by Pinter & Martin in 2015.

Find out more about doulas at http://www.doula.org.uk

I have been a doula for 13 years and have supported hundreds of women, either before their birthing, during their labours or afterwards. I have been facilitating an initial doula preparation course since 2008 and have been mentoring doulas and intimately involved in the evolution of the doula community in Britain since early on in the history of Doula UK.

In all those years I have learned more about what a doula is not, than what a doula is. Every time I think I might have got a handle on the ‘definition of a doula’, my understanding and perception shifts again. The definitions that do the rounds on the internet can be shallow, to say the least and, at best, undermining and dismissive of the incredible talents and abilities that women bring to this role.

I see all sorts of women being called to serve the mothers of their communities. There are women, like me, who felt a gaping hole or a contrast in how the time of transition into motherhood can feel so very different with and without psycho-social support.

There are women who feel betrayed and let down by their health professionals. They may be fighting birth trauma or PTSD or just a deep sadness.

But there are also mothers joining the community now who have been supported by a doula themselves, feel ecstatic about their birth experience and have been inspired to pay it forward.

There are women who, despite all their protestations of loyalty to their careers, found that motherhood remade them, in a fundamental way, bringing them to a realisation that ‘work’ needs to fit around children, nurture our souls and service our communities if it is to be truly worthwhile.

Some come to the role from an academic direction. They are incredibly bright PhD students or researchers, for example. They are interested in motherhood from a sociological, anthropological, political, psychological or philosophical standpoint. They may be activists or campaigners.

Then there are the Human Rights doulas, the ones interested in things like consent, maternal rights and responsibilities. They may have worked in sex and relationship education, or in women’s advocacy or legal settings.

Related, are the doulas who come to the work through their work with social services, or other support of vulnerable or hard-to-reach groups. I know many doulas who started off working with Birth Companions, working with women in prison, or as Homestart volunteers, in teenage pregnancy units, or are Maternity Support Workers..

And there are those who see birth as merely one step on a female journey, all of which deserve emotional and practical support. They support their community of women through menarche, marriage and divorce, abortion and baby loss, birth, breastfeeding and beyond, right up to menopause and sometimes doula families through the last and ultimate transition – death.. They are the white witches, the humanists and the pagans, the searchers for and creators of ritual and ceremony, the red tent facilitators, the women’s circle founders…

The ‘breastfeeding doulas’, through their voluntary work as breastfeeding counsellors, come to see that the challenges women face initiating and maintaining breastfeeding are often down to wider social and familial pressures. They begin to see these pressures and understand that, much as we can suggest to women to go home, sit and enjoy nursing their newborn, it doesn’t magically get the washing up done. The hour they can spend with women in the breastfeeding clinic doesn’t give them the space and time to explore the social attitudes that invisibly pressurise them to supplement with formula, or sleep train, or help their partner take a more active interest in the baby.

Related are the ‘babywearing doulas’ and the nanny and childminder doulas who, again, have come to the work through close contact with new mothers…who have seen close up that mothers of newborns need a particular type of peer support that the doula ethos perfectly encompasses – that time, and space we can give. That unconditional listening ear. That ability to help a mother access and trust her own mothering instincts. The way a doula supports a mother to do the mothering, and supports the partner/father too to step up and find his skills and abilities as a parent. The doula way of somehow ‘de-medicalising’ motherhood.

And lastly, but certainly not least there are the midwives. Some are retiring. Some have been out of the midwifery loop for a while and are choosing between a return to practice course or the doula route. Others are, quite literally and very sadly, at the end of their tether with the NHS and the constraints it places on midwives and mothers. They often feel like they can’t practice in the way they would so love to; supporting women through the whole journey. Continuity of care, pressure to follow guidelines and management that pays mere lip service to issues like individualised care, consent and compassionate care, have driven them to throw in the towel.

As you can see, many of these women might be bringing baggage to the role. They may well have conscious or unconscious axes to to grind. It is through doing a doula course that we aim to create a safe space to process and contain this baggage, to become conscious of our worldview and how it might create the version we see of the world. We begin to practice ways to bring ourselves back to the women and families we serve, to see the world through their eyes and to therefore support them unconditionally and without judgement. Because it is this lack of an agenda, a lack of micro-managing guidelines and regulations that allow families to relax into our presence and for doulas to become a trusted part of the family.

All experienced doulas know that we are, in some respects, extremely lucky. We revel in the luxury of not having to follow guidelines, merely supported by the philosophy and Code of Conduct that our community has created for itself. We are free to build deep and abiding relationships with women, their partners and their children. We get to listen to her deepest fears and anxieties, support her to find solutions to her practical challenges and gain a deep understanding of her desires for this birth and beyond. We never, ever make the mistake of assuming that women might hold the experience of childbirth above the safety of themselves and their babies. Every working day teaches us that this idea is ludicrous. We see the birth trauma, the family dynamics, the physical and mental challenges that explain a woman’s choices. Really, really close up, it all, always, makes sense.

So, we have this deep, vital knowledge of a woman and why she wants what she wants. We have seen her do her research, read studies, talk to professionals, lay/peer supporters, friends and family. She has worked it through in her mind and her heart. She understands the risks and benefits of the choices she is making. We walk with her on this journey, every step of the way. So, when that journey gets to the point where we might be sharing a space with midwives or obstetricians, we have to seamlessly move from being a team of 2 or 3 and move aside in a loving way to bring these professionals into the circle so that we can create a loving circle around the woman.

That dance can go in a number of different directions, depending on the circumstances. There are some common challenges that can prevent good relations between doulas and staff in the birth room. One of them is possessiveness on the part of the doula. It’s wrong, and egotistical and something that shrivels as she gets more experienced, but I do think we can be forgiven, just a little bit, for thinking that we know better than the maternity staff what the woman wants and needs. It can make us a little defensive when they appear not to have read her birth wishes. It can make us a little grumpy when someone comes into an atmosphere that we have set up according to her wishes and switch on the lights and start talking loudly.

Perhaps we aren’t always super-skilled at handling those kinds of interactions. And perhaps there is more going in underneath those interactions than we doulas are sometimes aware of. If I ask if it’s possible for us to find a floor mat for a labouring woman, and that midwife has just been having a conversation with a colleague about doulas and how we have a ‘natural birth and all costs’ agenda, she may read more into my request than I intended.

If a VBAC couple ask a doula to tell the midwife they don’t want continuous monitoring, how can that be handled? The midwife may not know that they have done their research antenatally and made an informed decision. She may wonder who the hell this doula is, who appears to be talking for the couple. How does a midwife know that these parents aren’t being coerced or persuaded into a course of action without understanding all the possible ramifications? How does that midwife know she will be supported by her colleagues to support this ‘off-piste’ decision?

Sometimes we are aware that there is an underlying atmosphere in the room based on these myths and misunderstandings about a doula’s role. Most of us have realised that it’s common for midwives to think that all doulas are frustrated, wanna-be midwives. Some think we meet the clients for the first time when they are in labour. Many think we are making an inordinate amount of money. Some see the intimate connection we have with the couple and are forced to contemplate why they, themselves were drawn to birthwork in the first place and how it hasn’t quite turned out the way they longed for.

Other times, when a member of the obstetric staff is in the room, the presence of a doula can wrong-foot and confuddle them no end. They are talking to a couple, counselling them through their options, and they suddenly turn to the anonymous, unnoticed woman in the corner, and ask her what she thinks. Even more confusingly, sometimes she asks a question that sounds surprisingly knowledgeable, or asks the couple if they need anymore information about the risks and benefits, or wonders whether there is an option to do nothing at all. She may suggest a few minutes of alone time to think and usher everyone out of the room. The woman they assumed to be Auntie Doris, is suddenly orchestrating the situation somewhat. Unsettling to say the least. Worrying, perhaps, and possibly anger-inducing.

After the baby is born and a community midwife or Health Visitor visits, it can be hard for her, in the time allowed for the visit, to get a real handle on who this woman is who appears to know her way around the kitchen and hangs around in the same room for the duration of the visit. Can the mother talk freely in front of her? Is the doula giving out of date or wrong baby care or breastfeeding advice? These concerns remain unsaid, but can prevent a real human connection.

We know that sometimes, both doulas and staff bring baggage, myths and ignorance of each other’s roles into the birth room. And most of the time, it is our communication skills, or lack on them, that prevent a deeper affinity and closer working practices developing.

All those talented women, with enormous hearts and the energy to support birth, whether they are clinical or lay, deserve to have the love and support of each other. We all have a massive amount to give.

Doulas are responsible for some of the most positive support networks in recent times: The Positive Birth Movement (PBM), Birthrights, the VBAC and Birth Choices support groups, social media support, breastfeeding support to name but a few. When those support networks work most beautifully is when lay women and midwives work together as equals, loving and respecting the complementary threads we each bring to the work. By working alongside each other, we both learn and grow, for the benefit of the mothers we support.

These communities we build, the rituals we rebirth – these are the special and truly valuable aspects of the doula movement. Perhaps now is the time to validate this grassroots work and build on the models we have set up, that are clearly spectacularly successful! 170 PBM groups in the UK alone. 40,000 followers of Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths on Facebook, 10,000 followers of Birthrights. Community support and advocacy is clearly needed – in fact women are hungry for it. And a lot of this community-building work is about supporting health professionals too. Many doulas work to provide community support to their local student midwives, or welcome community midwives to their mother-support groups. We raise money for our local hospitals, sit on MSLCs, try to raise awareness of the challenges facing maternity services, even march alongside them, with placards raised.

mother-sun-watermarked — From the Mandala Journey

We like to think of the mother, at the centre, as the sun, with her supporters orbiting around her in elliptical trajectories. Sometimes the midwife moves in closer, sometimes the doula or the doctor. We move further away to make space, to allow the mother room to make decisions and find her own answers. We move in closer when she needs physical or emotional support. We recognise each other’s skills and talents and make way for each gift to be bestowed with love and appropriacy.

When we all work more closely together, we see for ourselves how much the doula philosophy of information without agenda, unconditional emotional support and listening without giving advice have a tangible effect on outcomes – not just in birth statistics but on the mother’s state of mind and her emotional and physical ability to mother her infant.

Many doulas know that some of us could learn a little more humbleness from midwives and Obs and understand a little more quite how challenging, heart-breaking and downright soul destroying their work can be sometimes. And perhaps they could learn a little from us – about compassionate listening and keeping care woman-centred, tailored to her personality, preferences and anxieties. They could learn how our depth of relationship with a family may give us insights they don’t have, and not to feel defensive about that, or jealous.

So how can be build better understanding and cooperative working practices?

We see a lot of wonderful stuff going on already: doulas being asked to meet and speak with student midwives, so that they learn about our role from the beginning. It would be good if this were extended to student doctors too.

Some doula preparation courses will allow midwives and student midwives to sit in, for free – to get a taste of the doula community and an in-depth understanding of the many variations of the doula role.

Many doulas sit on MSLCs and Labour Ward Forums, which is a great way for us to share stories and client experiences and to learn more about the workings of the service and the challenges it faces. Mutual empathy is often very effectively built this way. It can work even better when the staff come out to sit in our forums – to visit our pregnancy support, breastfeeding and parenting support groups.

Social media is one way forward. The relationships and mutual respect between doulas and midwives has blossomed since we have begun to get to know each other on Facebook and twitter. We can really help each other – doulas helping the campaign to spread the knowledge of Optimal Cord Clamping springs to mind, or spreading understanding and therefore driving consumer demand for the ‘gentle’ or ‘woman-centred’ caesarean and ‘seeding the microbiome’. We are also able to provide each other with emotional support online and these friendships sometimes benefit mothers in very tangible, ‘I know exactly the right person for you to talk to’ kind of way.

We’d like to see us working together to create more models that provide psycho-social support for more vulnerable and hard-to-reach groups. That 14 year old girl may well have a wonderful specialist midwife to support her, and perhaps the young parents group at the local children’s centre to tap into. But wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out whether any of the local doulas have experience in this area or were young mothers themselves? Sometimes someone coming along who isn’t wearing a badge or a uniform, can make all the difference.

What about those women who ask for elective c-sections with no clinical indication? How many units have specialist counselling services for tokophobia or birth trauma? How many doctors or midwives suggest to women that a bit of peer support might help? Signposting to ‘patient support groups’ can make all the difference, as many women’s accounts of the effect of other mother’s positive stories attest.

There are doulas who have experience of working with women in prison, doulas who are also clinical psychologists, doulas who work exclusively with young mothers, or who work closely with Social Services or Homestart. There are doulas who have a lot of experience building rapport and trust with women who are suffering huge anxiety, and doulas who work with women with particular conditions, like Hyperemesis. There are doulas who specialise in breastfeeding support and who are also Breastfeeding Counsellors or IBCLCs.

Some of us receive direct referrals from maternity staff. Some don’t. Some hospitals have built formal, cooperative models that incorporate doulas, in a voluntary or paid capacity, into the system in some way. Sharing best practice, spreading ideas, building on the successes and working sustainability, mutual knowledge sharing and auditing into the processes seems to us to be the way forward.

Given that doula support appears to have a growing body of evidence to suggest we can increase normal birth rates, minimise cesarean sections and save the NHS money, it is surely time to begin to formalise our partnerships.

So if you are a health professional, why not resolve to find out about the doulas in your area? Perhaps invite them for a cup of tea – they’ll bring the cake.

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Women’s Voices in #MatExp – Your Midwife

25 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / #MatExp Actions, Environment and Facilities, MatExp and Me, The #MatExp Journey / 13 Comments

I was asked to do a talk to student midwives at Salford University last week on the topic of “Women’s Voices” in maternity care. As part of my presentation I included the voices of the midwives who work in maternity care, and a reminder that there are many other women for whom maternity care is their professional, as well as perhaps their personal, experience. “Women’s Voices” in maternity care should cover the midwives, obstetricians, health visitors, doulas who care for us, as well as the women giving birth.

So I decided to start a series of blog posts on “Women’s Voices in #MatExp” from the point of view of those working in maternity, and this is the first of those. This is Dawn Stone’s experience of being a midwife in the NHS. Thank you so much to Dawn for agreeing to write for us.

And yes, I will be doing a “Men’s Voices in #MatExp” series too. Because this campaign is about all voices.

Helen.x

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Dawn Stone is a 27 year old midwife living and working in central London. Dawn qualified as a midwife in 2014, and is passionate about improving experiences for students, midwives and women.

It’s an insignificant Monday afternoon in SE London to many. It’s beautifully warm, people are rejoicing in beer gardens as they finish work, I hear the giggles and shrieks of laughter from a nearby park as I walk home. It’s an idyllic summers day; and yet somehow it feels cold to me.

I’m on my way to see my GP. I made the appointment last week, but it feels fortuitous to have this lifeline today. Because today, of all the 303 days I’ve been a midwife, it feels way too much to bear. And I need some help.

I’ve been here before. A few months ago the feelings on inadequacy, frustration and disappointment reared their ugly heads and I made the same journey to my GP, begging for help. She, to her credit, was wonderful but the medication she prescribed was not. I went back to work but felt like I was going through the motions. My appetite was reduced, I hadn’t slept a whole night in months, and I constantly had a knot of tension in my stomach whenever I thought about work.

What do I do? I’m a midwife. And it nearly knocked me off my feet completely.

I trained as a midwife in a busy central London hospital, which often felt like a baptism of fire and was definitely not what I was expecting. I was lucky to witness amazing births, incredible women, and unfortunately, at times, disappointing midwives. It seemed as though some had lost the ability to care about the women as well as for them; and so I qualified with a goal. Be the best midwife I can be, and never forget the power and importance of being kind. It sounds so simple when you write it down!

Upon qualifying, I moved to another busy central London hospital, and began working as a bona fide midwife, alongside a group of also newly qualified midwives who would become my lifeline. Together we jumped into this chaotic and intense career, and discovered that being a student midwife does NOT prepare you for being a midwife. Not at all. You have no idea as a student the enormity of every decision you make – that lochia is normal, that baby is not jaundiced, that baby is unwell and needs an urgent review. And on and on it goes; a hundred different decisions, all before lunchtime and all before you’ve had a drink or something to eat. And if you’re lucky, you’re figuring this all out in an environment which is supportive and conducive to learning, where you know you have more experienced midwives to lean on and ask ‘Does it get better?’

If you’re unlucky, you’re essentially told to suck it up and keep going. Never mind that you’re awake at 4am going over and over the shift from yesterday, thinking about each woman and baby, and what you handed over – did you forget something? You definitely did. Shut up mind, go to sleep. Except you definitely did forget something because you did a blood sugar on the baby in bed 9 before you left and you forgot to write it down. It was normal, thankfully, but should I ring? No. It’s 4am and it’s your day off. Go back to sleep.

Working on a busy 50 bed AN/PN ward can feel like being on a carousel that’s spinning and spinning; there is no slowing down, only jumping on, and trying to stay upright and facing the right way.

When I arrive for my night shift, I look at my workload and I hope for an okay night. I have a mixture of 2 high risk AN women (for close monitoring of their severe PET), an IOL for post dates and 4 PN mums & babies – all of them are on obs overnight, 1 mum is also on IVABX for sepsis, and my colleague has just handed over that one of the babies hasn’t fed for 6 hours. I take a deep breath, try to quell the tide of worry that’s swirling in my stomach, and do the only thing I can do. I make a plan. I read the notes, I look at the blood results, and I try to prioritise what needs doing and when. I say hello to all 7 women, some of whom I know, and I begin to do what needs to be done.

And I’m sorry if I couldn’t sit with you longer during your breastfeed. I can see your baby is feeding well but as a first time Mum you need some support and guidance as you learn this new skill. I want to sit with you, and gently reassure and reaffirm you as you confidently latch your baby to your breast. But I can’t. Because I have 6 other women, and 3 other babies who need me. So I do what I can, and then ask a maternity support worker to step in, and do what I cannot.

I’m sorry my checking on you and baby felt like a list of questions, one after the other, relentlessly. I know this isn’t the best way to elicit how you feel about this huge shift to parenthood, and I may not ask the question you need me to, and so your niggling worries remain unchecked.

I’m sorry I have to wake you at 2am, and 6am, to check your blood pressure. The medication you’re on to manage it is very good but we need to ensure its effective, and the middle of the night BP is actually one of the most useful. I hate waking people up, and I know you don’t mean to swear at me as you grumble and sigh, before brandishing me your arm, but it still hurts to hear. Thankfully your blood pressure is normal, and I can tiptoe out & leave you to rest.

As I walk past the desk, I see my bottle of water, next to my colleagues. All untouched.

I’m sorry you’re in a mixed bay of women, and you can hear babies crying as your labour is starting, and it’s not dark or quiet as you need it to be. I’m sorry you’re quietly sobbing on the edge of the bed as you try to get through this contraction without making too much noise and waking the sleeping bay. I’m sorry I can’t be with you, talking you through your contractions and helping you to relax and reduce the fear/tension/pain cycle. I know that you need me, but I have obs to do on 2 of the babies in this bay, and I need to check on one of women with raised BP as she’s on the monitor and I hope it’s ok as I had to dash out of the room once it was on. I’m sorry I’m only half with you as I rub your back, as I’m juggling my outstanding jobs in my head. Thankfully, some codeine and a warm baths eases some of your pain, and you spend a few hours soaking in there, feeling much more relaxed.

I’m so relieved.

I’m so relieved that your labour didn’t progress rapidly, and your baby wasn’t born on the ward.

I’m so relieved all of your babies obs were normal, and they didn’t show signs of an infection.

I’m so relieved that the heavy bleeding you complained of turned out to be normal blood loss, and you’re not having a haemorrhage.

I’m so relieved your blood pressure was normal, and you’re not feeling any symptoms of pre eclampsia.

I’m so relieved when you come to me at 4am, as I sit at the desk gratefully drinking a coffee as I relish the middle of the night peace that’s descended, and tell me you latched your baby on yourself & it felt like a good feed.

I’m so relieved. I’m also hungry, and tired, and the water has remained untouched although I have slurped a coffee my colleague made for me.

This shift has been busy, and stressful, and required me to constantly assess, juggle and prioritise. But it’s not extraordinary. It’s a typical shift in a typical London hospital on any given day. The women are grateful, and I leave with a small sense of doing a good job.

Until I return the following night to be told I didn’t do a VTE risk assessment. And the dyad I helped with breastfeeding are now mixed feeding as she felt her baby wasn’t getting enough. And the mum who labour began during the night is still on the ward, awaiting a doctors review to formulate an ongoing plan. And we’re short staffed. And I can feel a headache coming on as I didn’t sleep well, worrying and replaying the previous shift over and over.

With such unrelenting pressure, is it any wonder I’m crying to my GP, telling her how unhappy I am, how tired, how morose? And is it any wonder she doesn’t bat an eyelid when I ask for antidepressants, and a sick note?

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#MatExp is a campaign about ACTION! So what can be done? We have already written about how it is Time to Act for Midwives, but as this recent post on Sheena Byrom’s blog demonstrates, these issues are not isolated and they are not yet being taken seriously.

Sheena kindly commented on what Dawn had to say:

“Dawn’s reflection of her experience trying to do her work as a midwife is distressing, and tragically, Dawn is by no means alone. I receive regular emails from midwives and student midwives who feel desperate, unable to go on, and ready to leave our profession.

I sincerely hope the National Maternity Review report will kick start the much needed radical reform of maternity services. If we can’t support, care for and nurture maternity workers to provide safe, effective high quality maternity care, we have an unsustainable situation.”

A mile in my shoes

Community Outreach Midwife Wendy Warrington also commented on Dawn’s experiences:

“This could have been written by me and the majority of my midwifery colleagues as accurate, and to be honest been there themselves me included! I came back to work after nearly 3 weeks off and Monday morning I had a knot in my stomach when I turned on my work phone and strolled into the community office. Fortunately all was well, but that was due to in the run up to Christmas ny starting early working at home, finishing late and putting written plans in place. Four women on my caseload delivered and I have high risk caseload due to safeguarding concerns.

In terms of improving the situation there needs to be a shift from the blame and bullying culture that seems to be prevalent within the midwifery profession and the NHS as a whole. Senior management with their expectations bully staff below them and this continues down the pecking order. Midwifery sadly is still very hierarchical. Also the public perception and expectation has shifted from when I first started. There does not seem to be the respect from the public as in days gone by . The “where there’s a blame there’s a claim” culture. Cuts to funding, staff shortages and the media have not helped.

Sadly I am counting down the days until retirement as are many of my colleagues.

So how to improve the situation? As colleagues we should nurture and support one another, and small pockets of us do. I personally have found my escape using Twitter and Facebook groups. Realising there were others out there who felt and thought like me and had not had the passion snuffed out of them really helped me, and gave me the courage to continue and believe that I can make a difference as a midwife. But than in itself can cause problems: cyber bullying, we have seen that. The more your profile is raised the more you expose yourself to scrutiny. I was seconded to Project Manager for Early Years agenda for Greater Manchester and the knives were out . I was devastated when my Head of Midwifery said that this was par for the course: try to better yourself and jealousy kicks in.

There are health and well-being initiatives in some trusts which need promoting. While we are there to do our work the public should remember we have children, elderly parents and our own problems like them, and sometimes we can’t leave it at the door as much as we try to, so compassion and understanding comes from both sides. I do not know of any midwife who comes to work to upset, harm or distress any woman or her family.”

So what do we need to do? What are you doing? What is happening in your Trust that is helping? Please share best practice and ideas – we are stronger when we work together.

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Top Ten Things NOT To Say To A Preemie Parent

21 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / Language, MatExp and Me, Postnatal Care, Pregnancy Complications / 2 Comments

Language is a huge theme for #MatExp, and one of our six Heart Values. Francesca Tucker kindly agreed to write this post for us looking at people’s inadvertent language trip ups when talking to parents of premature babies. Francesca is a part-time working Mum, who lives in the New Forest with her husband Murray, baby Harry and their three cats. Harry was born at 28 weeks, whilst his parents were on holiday in France. He’s now a happy, healthy 18 month old!

As I sit and write this now, I can do it with a smile on my face. But 18 months ago, if you’d said any of the following “Top 10” to me, my reaction would have been vastly different. Depending on how my day had gone / how many Brady’s baby Harry had decided to scare us with / how much milk I’d managed to express etc., you may have had a response of tears, anger or stony silence. Because, quite frankly, there are just some things you don’t say to the parent of a premature baby!

Speaking on behalf of “The Premature Club” which no-one wants membership to, we understand that it’s difficult to know what to say. The pure joy of the newborn news is tinged by the elephant in the room- “what if they don’t make it”? We know that as our family, friends and loved ones you are thinking of us (we do appreciate it!) and you want to say the right thing, but we’re not expecting you to – there are no magic words that will break the spell and make everything better. Just being there for us, letting us cry, shout, or just sit in silence helps. And that silence can be golden – far better than the following “Top 10 Things not to say to a Preemie Parent”! (As compiled by myself and another Prem-Mum whilst we were in neonatal, both with boobs out, trying to get our babies to practice their breastfeeding!)…..

1. You’re lucky! You got to meet your baby early!

Yep, at this time, we’re feeling really lucky-said no-one EVER! Last time I checked, there was no calendar hung in my uterus, so I’m pretty sure the baby had no concept of ETAs.

2. Your baby was just keen to meet you.

I was creating quite a nice little home in my womb which I was quite proud of- food on demand, good thermostat, nice sounds, and a lovely landlady who was providing everything. I think my baby was quite happy to stay put for a while longer, and wasn’t that eager to meet me. He/she had heard me chatting enough already, so I’m pretty sure the baby knew me already!

3. Oooh, having such a small baby must have made labour easy!

Putting aside the obvious fact that childbirth is painful, what a lot of people forget is that Prems often arrive in emergency situations. This may involve tearing, C-sections, episiotomies as well as the wider delivery tool-kit of forceps, ventouse etc. This is NOT easy! (And don’t even get me started on the emotional aspects of labour)

4. Lucky you! You’ve got less baby weight to lose!

Why is it that when someone has a baby, everyone feels it’s acceptable to start commenting on your weight?! It’s no-one else’s business that you weigh, it’s the last thing on your mind whilst listening to the endless beeping in neonatal. And chances are that with the stress of the situation, you’ll be losing weight anyway

5. Well, at least with the baby in hospital, you get a good night’s sleep!

Erm, no!! At night, most Prem parents are trying to cram in a day’s work of general life into a couple of hours (unfortunately bills still need to be paid, housework done etc.), prepare supplies that need to go to the hospital the next day, express milk through the night to keep supply up, and are generally stressing. A good night sleep is not anticipated for months!

6. With those nurses around, you’re getting far more support than most Mums.

Yes, the nurses are a fantastic support (they become your extended family!), and it’s a hard job to do, but they are by no means doing it single-handedly. They encourage the parents to get involved wherever and whenever possible. I can’t think of many parents that have a baby just to hand them over to someone else to look after – you are the parents, and you want the job! But also remember, the medical team is desperately needed- many Prems need a lot of medical support…surely no-one can begrudge a baby that?!

7. But tiny babies are so cute!

True, but would you swap your baby being dangerously small for “cute”? I thought not. And trying to find the “adorably small” premature outfits is tricky…and very expensive!

8. When will the baby be coming home?

We don’t know, and if we do, we often won’t want to say. It is upsetting thinking you’re about to take your baby home, only for your child to take a downturn and your excitement turns to disappointment and fear. Sometimes it’s easier for the parents to say nothing, rather than having to explain why the baby is remaining in hospital. And when we finally take our little family home, we may well want a day or two to take it all in-it’s a long journey to get home!

9. How are you doing?

Mmmm, a tricky one. Some days will be good, some days will be bad. With 1001 thoughts and emotions running through a Prem parents head, it’ll probably take too long for them to give an honest answer- default option is option to be “Okay, thanks. You?” A better thing to say if the offering of help for a specific thing e.g. “Would you like me to bring you a meal around, so you don’t need to cook?”

10 Will he/she be okay?

A very personal question, and again one that is completely dependent on individual circumstances. Define “okay”? The baby may have long-term health issues, but with the prospect of excellent quality of life, the outlook is overall positive. Or the baby may be going through a serious complication, where the outcome is an unknown. No-one wants to answer “No, he/she is not okay”, as it’s upsetting for all concerned. I personally think such questions are best avoided, and simply substituted by as much love and support as you can provide.

These are some of the favourite options I had for you from our early days of the neonatal journey. Now, a favourite is “Isn’t he walking yet?” – nope! But bear in mind, his peers have a 3month developmental head-start! Maybe I should do a Top 10 comments for the “Advancing Prem Baby”?!……….

But to anyone reading this, currently supporting a neonatal family – thank you. Even though the family may not show it (they are probably too overwhelmed presently), having you present in their lives is helping them more than you’ll know. And if you’re the parents of the little baby/babies lying in hospital- I welcome you to “The Premature Club”- it’s tough, and at times you may feel so wholly overwhelmed it can engulf you. But remember, you are doing a great job and making the best of your situation. I send my love and support to you.

By Rosiepics — Francesca and Harry by Rosiepics

Francesca Tucker

2016

For more “What Not To Say” and other Preemie Top Tens please visit The Smallest Things website.

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WhoseShoes Confirmed That My Shoes Have Climbed A Mountain

19 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / About MatExp, Caesarean Sections, Environment and Facilities, Informed Choice, Language, MatExp and Me, The #MatExp Journey / Comments Off

This post is from Michelle Quashie, and originally appeared on her blog site Strong Since Birth. Our thanks to Michelle for agreeing for it to be reposted here.

The day had finally arrived! After contributing to #MatExp and interacting with many conversations surrounding ‘WhoseShoes’ throughout the year, I was finally going to experience the magic in real life.

Laura, the chair of our MSLC has written a fantastic post that captures the excitement of the day perfectly, you can read it here: When WhoseShoes Came To The PRUH

I was not disappointed, the day was everything I had dreamed of, but for me it was so much more.

I was asked to open the event by sharing my Maternity Experience. I have spoke at several maternity training events in the past but my audience has always been Midwives. I was aware that this was a multi discipline training event and it was to be the first time I would share my story in such detail with Obstetricians and everyone else involved in Maternity. The thought made me feel anxious but I knew how important this opportunity was.

I had planned to stay in control and not let the emotions attached to my experience be displayed in the form of tears. It was so important to me to remain composed and in control.

My heart pounded through the showing of the MatExp film, this film moves me every time. It is so powerful and very thought provoking. Sadly I can resonate with many of the situations displayed in the film. I knew I was about to be discussing some of those memories any minute with all those surrounding me.

My name was called and I made my way to the front with my heart pounding. I decided to be honest and share how I was feeling with the room.

‘Please bare with me, I am feeling very nervous. I’m sure once I start talking I will warm up and I will be fine!’

Automatically I felt more relaxed and felt more able to share my story without the anxiety overruling my thoughts.

It’s amazing how every time I share my experience it comes out slightly different, or I find myself saying things that I hadn’t thought of before? I had missed a couple of important bits out but neither the less I was very happy with the way I had presented and gauging by the feeling of emotion in the room I had touched the hearts of nearly everyone around me. For the first time I was able to keep my tears to myself even though I had noted that tears were shed by many in response. The room fell silent but the atmosphere spoke volumes.

I wasn’t aware of the tweets that were being circulated on social media but looking at them them later along with the emails I had received It confirmed that my talk was a positive part of the day.

“Also a massive well done to Michelle for her heartfelt and emotional story, I could see it touched many people as there were certainly a few tears in the room. That took huge courage to stand there in front of so many people and share such a personal experience and to tell it so well. Huge WELL DONE Michelle.”

We began to play the the game and interesting discussions were had in response to the thought provoking questions that are key to the WhoseShoes success.

Some of the discussions that stick in my mind were:

A woman wanted a home birth but her husband wasn’t convinced. We had discussed that there wasn’t enough support or information given during antenatal care to ensure that the couple felt safe,supported and empowered to fulfil the woman’s birth choice.
Consultant Obstetricians are normally addressed by other members of their team using their title i.e., Sir, Mr, Mrs or Miss as a mark of respect. I may be wrong but it feels hierarchical, unlike the power slogan and barrier breaker behind WhoseShoes and #MatExp ‘No Hierarchy, just ordinary people’.
It was also discussed that consultants were on site until 9 pm, after that they are on call for emergency situations only. Now I understand why during my appointment to discuss my VBAC, the registrar said ‘ I mean, we don’t know when you will go into labour or who will be on duty should you rupture’. I now understand that my birth choices were influenced by staffing levels at the hospital.
Other key themes were Empathy, Language, supporting and facilitating informed decision making and just how important it was for everyone to be cared for individually based on their individual situation and needs.
Midwives are able to have time to build a relationship with women whereas doctors are often called for the emergency situation and do their best to resolve the medical issue as it arises. This can sometimes make it hard for them to be able to connect with the woman that they are caring for and are not always able to fully appreciate the long lasting effects the experience can have on a woman.

The day was coming to an end and Anna gave us fabulous evaluation of our morning using the comments that came from the discussion at each table. It was fabulous to visualise the discussion using the graphic that Anna had been working on through out the morning.

We each made an individual pledges. Here is my pledge:

“To provide a platform for women to share their Maternity experience. I would like to ensure that women’s voices are heard as part of training and development.”

I am currently planning a conference called ‘Women’s Voices’. More details will be available soon.

As the morning came to an end and people were leaving someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned round and my tummy flipped. The face before me took me straight to a place of feeling vulnerable, feeling panicky.

‘Michelle it was me wasn’t it?’

Stood before me was the registrar that I had my consultation for my vba2c with. Unbeknown to my self and the organisers we had shared the morning. I had shared an experience that changed my life but had also been a time that left me feeling scared, vulnerable, isolated and questioning my mental health. The person that was responsible for those feelings was standing here in front of me, for a moment the feelings came flooding back, I battled to keep them contained.

She apologised for the way she had cared for me. She admitted that she had been wrong and has since ensured that she was fully aware of her professional guidance. She was now fully supportive of women’s choice regarding their birth and ensured me that since having to write a statement in response to my complaint, she is fully aware of the impact of the care she provides a woman.

She actually thanked me for highlighting the error of her ways promising me it had changed her attitudes. I could see that she was overwhelmed with emotion and had spoke to me honestly. She asked if she could hug me and we both held each other for comfort.

I told her that I admired her for taking the time to come a talk to me and for apologising. I also explained that I was aware that she was not entirely to blame for the care I had received and I now understood that her response to me wanting a vaginal birth after two caesareans was due to the cultural belief of the trust she worked in.

It was clear that my birth wishes would not be supported and neither would anyone wanting to support me at that time. I know this because many attempts were made to provide me with the support I needed and no one stepped out of their comfort zone to provide me with the support I needed with regards me birth choices. As a result I had no choice but to transfer my care.

She empathised and promised me that as a result of my experience things were changing.

We said our goodbyes and I was trying very hard to contain my emotion that the meeting had evoked.

A consultant midwife that has walked by my side through this maternity experience and others and who has been a pillar of support to me came to see me. ‘Are you OK Michelle?’

The flood gates open and I broke down. I couldn’t talk at that moment. I was just overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t make sense of it at the time but now I think I can.

That meeting with the registrar brought some closure. I admire her ability to acknowledge the error of her ways.

The meeting took me back and reminded me of the scared women I once was sitting in her office, trying to persuade her that I could give birth, pleading with them to allow me. Feeling so horrible when it was highlighted that I had never given birth and they wasn’t sure if I could. I was subjected to a number of negative comments that effected my mental well being and left me questioning my sanity. Comments that left my family feeling unable to support my decisions in fear of my safety. it was a meeting that left me feeling isolated.

Here I sat after coming full circle with the same women but this time I was a different woman. I am a now a woman who has had the most amazing journey and have achieved some incredible things;

I gave birth, not only did I give birth but I bloody rocked that labour ward!

I came back and I told the story, I sang it from the rooftops!

I learnt to believe in me and my abilities.

I joined their MSLC and contributed to so many fantastic improvements within the Maternity service.

I have spoke at training events within maternity with an aim to improve maternity care for women.

I have written and had my views published here and in The Practising Midwife .

I have contributed to #MatExp campaign and connected with some fantastic people as a result.

I have met, received support and been inspired by many fantastic people. too many to mention.

The realisation that my shoes have climbed a mountain has happened!

I received the following email from a Consultant Obstetrician following the Whose Shoes event. It confirmed that this journey has been worth every little step:

“Dear Michelle,

I just wanted to reiterate how touched I was by your story and how impressed I was by the way you delivered it. You will be responsible for improving the practise of every obstetrician in that room today which in the end will improve the care of tens of thousands of women.

If anyone is amazing it is you!”

This is one of many mountains.

I hope to be climbing a mountain near you soon.

Michelle Quashie

2016

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When WhoseShoes came to the PRUH

14 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / The #MatExp Journey / 1 Comment

Whose Shoes® came to Kings College Hospital this week and wow did we step up to the challenge!

Having observed the Guys and St. Thomas’s event in the summer of 2015, I knew we were in for a treat. I hoped and prayed that our event would generate a similar level of commitment that was felt at Guys, and I was not disappointed.

50 delegates, representing midwives, maternity support workers, doctors, commissioners, service users, receptionists, porters, health visitors and many other areas of maternity, streamed into the Education Centre promptly at 9:30. The day was introduced by Maxine Spencer, director of midwifery, who spoke about the day being a level playing field and that everyone was there as a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter (or a father or son for the men in the room), irrespective of their profession.

Having watched the “In their Shoes” MatExp DVD, during which you could have heard a pin drop, it was then the turn of service user Michelle Quashie to tell us her VBA2C experience. Again, everyone listened with respect and focus and there were tears from a few as she retold her powerful and inspirational story.

After everyone had composed themselves, it was time for the game to begin. Conversations started off fairly hesitantly, but people warmed up and pretty soon it was obvious how powerful this day would be.

On our table discussions ranged from noise on the postnatal wards, to caring for staff and teamwork, how to support women’s feeding choices and the power of language. Everyone spoke in a respectful manner and was very honest and open. Conversations just flowed and, as a facilitator, it was wonderful to see how professionals often spoke from the heart as service users. Proof that birth matters to everyone.

The wonderful Anna Geyer from New Possibilities weaved her magic on the plethora of post-it notes being generated from the discussions and as usual created the most beautiful graphic.

Tweeting was fast and furious during the day, to the point where I thought my Twitter feed was going to explode! Here are just a few of the hundreds of tweets:

Eventually, after a couple of hours, the discussions were brought to a close and Anna gave us her evaluation of the day, drawing out some of the points that we had raised.

As chair of Bromley MSLC, I was delighted to see the weight attached to having a strong, powerful MSLC as a voice for service users and professionals alike.

Then it was time for the pledges. Each individual was invited to pledge one thing that they would do differently as a result of attending the morning. Spontaneously, everyone clapped and cheered as one pledge from each table was read out. I haven’t had time to go through them all yet, but here are a handful that stood out:

“I will try to make every birth special (in theatre especially)”

“I will not use the following words: allow, only and let”

“To try and make the ward round more personal, friendly and positive and a respectful experience for the woman and her family”

“To always ask how the new father is as well as the new mother”

“I will facilitate a “good news” newsletter and encourage all staff to submit thank yous and nominate staff for good support”

“I will ensure that I always remember to update the woman and relatives on what is going on”

“I will make sure that every woman feels had the attention and care she hoped for”

“I will always say hello and congratulate all new parents on the ward”

“I will continue to facilitate named midwives (and ensure that) a woman sees her named midwife at least 4 times during her pregnancy.”

“To provide a platform for women to share their maternity experiences”

What now?

The Bromley MSLC has gathered together all these pledges, which will form our work plan for the next 12 months or so. We intend to monitor and check that they are being implemented. Amazingly, by the time I’d returned home and fired up my computer, one staff member had already emailed her colleagues to initiate the first “good news” newsletter. THAT is MatExp in action!!!

The other email in my inbox when I returned was from a service user who had attended the day. She asked me to share this with other members of the MSLC. She said:

I just wanted to express my thanks and congratulations on your amazing achievement on getting today’s ‘Whose shoes’ event to actually happen and to everyone else who was involved in organising this outstanding event.

What an absolutely amazing experience it was and so refreshing to see such a mix of service users and professionals all come together, to share knowledge and stories and all with the same goal, of making a difference to our maternity services.

I thoroughly enjoyed the morning and could have easily carried on for the rest of the day!!!

As discussed today on my table, people are very quick to complain, but never quick to praise so I thought I would come home and express my feelings and give my praise.

So thank you and I will see lots of you at the MSLC meeting next week. Really looking forward to seeing what the year ahead holds now we have our pledges to work with!!

I was fairly certain we were in for a special day, but I was overjoyed to feel the tangible buzz and energy created in the room. It was a privilege to witness how something so simple; getting professionals and parents together to talk about improving maternity services in a compassionate, respectful manner, can have such an impact. From the number of comments I’ve had flood into my inbox in the last 24 hours, I think its safe to say that everyone came away feeling fired up and committed to making local maternity services the best they can possibly be. I know it renewed my enthusiasm to do just that.

Oh, and one final thing. I think we raised the stakes of the #MatExp #bakeoff challenge!

Laura James

Chair, Bromley MSLC

2016

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2016 Starts Here!

11 January 2016 by Helen Calvert / The #MatExp Journey / Comments Off

Personally I have had a bit of a Christmas and New Year break, but of course #MatExp never sleeps! There have been plenty of blogs, new ideas, events planned and meet ups occurring all over the festive period. We have had new people join the Facebook group, new ideas suggested for #MatExpHour and lots of us are speaking at events around the country in the coming weeks and months.

It seems five minutes since the fantastic #MatExpAdvent initiative came to an end, but here we are on the eleventh day of 2016 and I need to dive back in as otherwise I’ll be left behind! This wonderful round up from Gill Phillips inspired me this morning to get back on the crazy horse…..

Our last #MatExpHour before Christmas, led by the wonderful 23weeksocks, was on the topic of Taking #MatExp Into 2016. There were some excellent suggestions for actions and initiatives, so let’s take a look and then get cracking! What would you like to do?

The NCT has developed a new practical guide to running an Maternity Services Liaison Committee (MSLC), “From Good Practice to Trouble Shooting”. MSLCs are a big part of #MatExp, and there are some exciting WhoseShoes #MatExp MSLC events coming up very soon!

Are you already a member of an MSLC? What has your group got planned for this year? Is there an MSLC in your area that you can join? Definitely a lot going on around the country – let us know how #MatExp can support your MSLC, joining hands around the country!

It was also suggested that #MatExp could work more closely with the fantastic 1001 Critical Days campaign.

Are you involved with this project? How can #MatExp best support the campaign, and vice versa? Do you have some fresh ideas about the conception to age 2 period? We have many Health Visitors involved in #MatExp and their input here will be invaluable.

The next suggestion was harnessing the power of the next generation of midwives via the country’s Midwifery Societies. Are you a member of a MidSoc? How can you collaborate with #MatExp? Could you host a WhoseShoes event? Do you have events coming up where #MatExp could be represented? What is on your agenda for 2016?

My aim for 2016 is to try to take #MatExp to those not on social media. How do we engage with healthcare professionals (and parents) who are not on Twitter and Facebook? Looks like we will have to resort to good old fashioned pen and paper! Or at least keyboard and printer. Who in your trust would you like to tell about #MatExp? Get in touch and help me to spread the message further!

The big thing we are all waiting for is the report from the National Maternity Review. At the Birth Tank 2 event Baroness Cumberlege had hoped that it would be published on 31 December 2015, but unfortunately it is not yet available. Once it is here we can get stuck in with implementing recommendations at a local level.

And what else have people suggested? #MatExp is about all voices, everyone getting stuck in doing what they can, when they can, where they can. A few more ideas to get you inspired:

Anyone wanting to order #MatExp stickers and other resources can do so here.

What’s your plan? What is happening in your area? What needs to be done? What can be built upon? Who needs to be involved? What small things can you do? What BIG things can you do? Whatever you are up to remember to tell us on Twitter at hashtag #MatExp, join in on Facebook, comment on this blog post, send us a message by carrier pigeon, write it on the sky….. The #MatExp train is steaming down the track. All aboard for 2016!

Helen Calvert

@heartmummy

2016

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